I'm Literally Just Happy

Date: Sunday, 15th October 2023

Topic: Chatting

I don't get out much. That's probably stating the obvious, given how I talk about going to the park once every so often like it's some grand event, and I have so much free time to look at pictures of dragons, and every mention of the fact I am physically alive on here is some complaint about my stupid fucking body. I'm not socially anxious or introverted, you know. It might sound like that sometimes; I've almost definitely mentioned that this year's pretty much wiped out my social life, connections with friends, ability to contact people without The Horror, etc, but when it comes down to it, I love being around other people and I live for the days where I actually feel capable of acting like a human person. Jesus. If you only knew me through this site, you would think I was the most miserable little hermit alive. But, yeah, I don't get out of the house as often as I should. Call it a three-way tie between the lapse in connection with irl friends, poor health, and the autistic charm of being unable to navigate a lot of shit properly unassisted.

So, I stuck to my postponed plans, and I went out with a friend (Dirk) on Saturday. And lo and belong - I survived! It's been about a year, give or take, since I'd last gone out with someone and I was determined to make it this time since we'd already had to shove things back 'cause Scottish weather is shit. And not to brag, because I am talking to myself here, but I did not let myself throw up and go home even after missing two trains because I am so goddamn normal and functional. I made it there, we walked around the halloween sections of various shops for a while, and went home. I had a wonderful time. The sort of happy that makes me insufferable to be around afterwards because all I'll think about is how good it feels to feel like that, just kind of existing there, radiating a self-satisfied and vaguely smug aura. I'm speaking about this in too many words. Let me summarise for you: I like Dirk, I like spending time with it, and I am over the fucking moon to see it again. He's also wonderful. This post will rapidly devolve into something embarassing if I continue, so suffice to say I'm still walking around smiling to myself over rediscovering the epic highs and lows of having friends. It's not even like we never hear from eachother - it's one of the few people I'm able to keep up with, and we talk almost daily, there's no reason to get this saccharine over it. That's a lie. I'm complaining for the sake of it, I love feeling all sappy and sweet about people. The reason is that it is literally just that good to have friends and hear their voices and have fun together. I straight up feel like a teenage girl writing about her crush in a journal; except as a twenty year old man who's never had a crush and never will. Have you guys heard about friendship I feel insane right now. I legitimately need to stop writing these posts at the same time I take my pain meds, I can't tell if any of these sentences cohere.

OKAY. Logging off now. Yes, I will be kicking my legs in the air about this for the next week at least. It's good to feel good!