Absurdity

Date: Thursday, 3rd August 2023

Topic: OCD

They won't tell you this, but I'm not afraid to say it - OCD is a fucking stupid illness.

Like, yes, of course, it's heartbreaking. It's awful to live with, or to care about someone who lives with it. It ruins lives; mine included! Deeply stigmatised, shameful, misunderstood etc. It is also dumb as all hell. I feel so guilty over things which nobody will ever punish me for because nobody but me views everything I do as a potential for something awful. I've been sitting here in the dark for around fifteen minutes and sobbing incessantly, and I just stopped out of nowhere because I realised how unbelievably stupid all of this would sound if I told somebody about it. I'd like to note, on the off chance somebody is actually reading this blog, and the chance that somebody doesn't have similar experiences with this stuff - I am specifically talking about my responses to fear, and the actions I take to minimise that fear, I am not downplaying the fear at all. I don't care if that counts as 'low insight' or whatever, I'm allowed to be scared regardless of how likely an outsider thinks it is that it's something which can happen in reality. But the things which inspire fear in me are, objectively, ridiculous. To summarise the horrific, unforgivable breakdown of the hour - today I thought about killing myself because I saw two teenage characters (not teens, adults playing high-schoolers) kiss. On the forehead. Like, I sat down and weighed up the value of my life against the guilt of viewing that, and thought "No, I completely understand. I feel sick to my stomach knowing I did something like this. I should call my former psychiatrist and tell her I'm a danger to others." What the fuck is wrong with you? And knowing this makes no difference at all. I will continue to feel ashamed of anything I can find, because knowing something is 100% unconnected to anything you're afraid of means nothing against the fact that if you do something to ease the fear of what you've done, you're easing the fear of what you could do. What a bizarre, pointless system. What a joy to live within a mind which can both comprehend and mindlessly recoil from nothing at all. Jackass.

I don't typically read back posts under this tag. A fact which I am grateful for, because if I reminded myself of being so blasé about things I currently believe I should regret, I will explode and die. Nothing I write here is comprehensible, because I suffer from the sub-par writers failing of not being able to describe what something is, merely what it feels like.