A Mixed Bag

I think that, in a rather guilty sort of way, there's something almost comforting in how my mind has picked the specific people and relationships it has to centre intrusive thoughts around.

Absolutely not for any desire for those thoughts to occur to me in the first place, or desire to see harm come to those people; rather, I'd like to think of it like this - the fact I've repaired those relationships enough for them to be held up as "this is the worst you could ever do to someone you care for, this is the most important thing you stand to lose" is an unhappy sort of proof that they matter to me. That out of everything there is to fear, I should be worried about fucking up what I share with this person or that.

Now, as a general rule, I do not read into those thoughts. It's important - and difficult! - to maintain the view that they're neither immoral nor positiive, they're only thoughts. I do not care for any suggestion that they represent any actual feelings/beliefs/ideas which someone holds, and I don't think trying to interpret them like that is at all conductive towards managing and living with OCD. But I do think it matters to acknowledge how obsessions can stem from valid concerns you might've had, or lived experiences, or issues which already existed before the onset of this; and in turn, how it matters what people fear and who they fear it happening to. So, yeah, I will search for and find any scrap of optimism I can find in this. I care - not because of, or in spite of this, but I care in all avenues of my life including this one. If you'll excuse me, I need to put this soapbox away now.