Change Of Pace

I will be fully honest right now because I am talking to myself: the delay between this post and the last is almost entirely because my ocd's been shit lately so I've been hiding in my bedroom, and my laptop was downstairs, and it's more difficult to use neocities on mobile. That's it. Unable to face the herculean effort of either leaving my room, or struggling through formatting.

It's been bad. Some things get easier, and yet others stay the same. I'm continuing to do better at keeping in touch with my friends - thank heaven for small mercies - but I keep backsliding on other stuff. Skipped physical therapy because I couldn't stomach the thought, still haven't got around to getting a new appointment for that or booking ones for my asthma review and my flu shot and god knows what else. Started pulling out my hair again. Yelled at my sister more than a couple of times. I just feel tired of feeling like this. I feel so guilty all the time it makes me sick. I feel like shit for being around people and having them be around me when I'm just constantly, constantly imagining something awful with them. It seems exhausting when I know that the more I care, the more upsetting it is, and the more upsetting it is, the more it'll come back. Stupid fucking loops of the same stupid fucking thoughts. I feel like I shouldn't be allowed near others, sometimes. I feel a lot of stupid stuff. I feel fucking tired.

I feel tired of talking in the abstract. But I don't want to think long enough to write down specifics. I am sick to death of never picking a side that feels right.