A Petty Complaint

I think, more than anything else, I would like to be a little less aware of what my body is doing at any given time.

Imagine the hedonism of it - I am watching a movie in which there is a physically affectionate moment. I do not feel for my own pulse, and wonder if it's just my imagination that my heartbeat is that fast. I do not have to think about if there's any inappropriate emotion on my face outside of mild disapproval. I do not turn away from the screen when two people kiss, or when someone is underdressed. I do not avert my eyes when a parent hugs their child. If I'm alone, I do not pause and make myself look, I do not search for any physical reaction that might say I enjoyed it. I do not wonder how much my pupils dilate. I just watch.

This is all a more elaborate way of saying that if I have to count out how many times I've breathed in one minute rather than actually reading the subtitles, I am going to walk out in front of a semi truck and flatten myself like a can of Dr. Pepper.