I Want To Go To Bed

Date: Saturday, 27th May 2023

Topic: OCD

It's almost June, which means that it's almost summer for real this time, which means that it's going to get bad again.

And I would like to say that I'm prepared for it, that I'm going to make a sincere effort to remain optimistic despite the circumstances, but I also would not like to lie. It's been a bad year for it. That's not to suggest it's been an unhappy year, my days are frequently good, but it's been so much worse since January than it's been since I was in high-school. I don't know what to make of that. And I can't pin it on stress or anything else because there is nothing else to weigh on me, except the possibility that maybe it's just like this now. Maybe this is my new baseline, and I'll soon find out how much worse things can get in June. I am not unhappy. But I don't want this to be what I consider happy either.

It cycles, I know that, I've been through it before. There's times where you will genuinely feel okay about all of it, and there's times where the guilt of how you could ever accept that eats you alive. This is just a low point which begun sooner than I expected it to, and lasting longer than I'm familiar with. Still. I can know this as much as I want, but it feels the same. I want to go to bed, every second, every time. Or lay down in the bath and slide forwards until I'm submerged except for my face. Move the furniture around. That sort of thing. I want to sleep with the door open. I need to do something aimless.